a tip for dealing with jehovah's witnesses

If (when) a Jehovah's Wtiness comes to your door, don't bother arguing with them—it's futile. I grew up a strict jaydub; my brother and father are still heavily involved in it, and I've had several debates with them about it. Actually, I've only really debated my brother since my father is breathtakingly narrow-minded about anything that isn't ordained from the Watchtower Society. He believes in "The Truth" (this is the shorthand jaydubs have given their religion) and everything else is "worldly" (i.e., Satanic). Anyway, I've debated my brother, not about his religion, but about theism itself (I prefer to go to the heart of the matter and argue against theism as opposed to religion) and he more or less conceded that he couldn't refute my points and that, ultimately, he believes because it makes him feel better. Fine, fine. Brilliant. I realized that this was probably the most real and honest thing he was ever going to say about his belief and decided to leave it at that.

Jaydubs are a severely brainwashed lot. As a child I had the sneaking suspicion that what they were feeding me was swill, but obviously it wasn't something I could articulate at the time. (Not only because I didn't know what "swill" meant but also because my old man would've backhanded me if I dared utter such malevolent insolence.) When I was eleven or so my mother stopped going to meetings. (A "meeting" is basically the JW equivalent of church service. "Meetings" are held at Kingdom Halls, which are JW equivalents of churches.) Elated, I jumped ship with her. This presented something of a problem for my old man. See, he was the one who suckered my mother into studying (my mother grew up Catholic; no, my old man would never even entertain the idea of converting to Catholicism), but unfortunately, he had a bit of a drug problem and left my mother to haul me and my brother to the meetings. Like all religiously pious people (I say "all" because religion imposes inhuman and unrealistic standards), he talked the talk, but couldn't really walk it. Not only was there the logistical problem of no one being able to take me or my brother to meetings (Sundays usually meant that the old man was locked away in his room, coming down), but there was also the problem of credibility. Even when the old man wasn't coming down on a Sunday, how could he expect me just to be cool with him wanting to get his daily dose of guilt after a night of snorting blow? The whole house of cards was falling and he knew it. Of course, one person's hypocrisy doesn't repudiate an entire religion, but it does plant seeds in a child's mind. You begin to wonder how many other people fake it. Then you wonder if there's even anything to fake. Then you question the belief itself.

Shit, I'm getting off track. Anyway, if you want to waste time and argue with a jaydub, knock yourself out. It's pointless, but entertaining, I suppose. If, however, you want to quickly return to your lunch after being so inconsiderately interrupted, then simply tell the jaydubs at your door that you're disfellowshipped. That's it. A disfellowshipped person has been excommunicated from the religion and is basically considered an apostate. It is strictly forbidden for a jaydub to associate with a disfellowshipped person, unless a jaydub lives with a family member who has been disfellowshipped. But under any other circumstance, a jaydub cannot associate with a disfellowshipped person, at all. So just tell them you're disfellowshipped and prepare to get a mouthful of dust. They won't ask you why or anything—they're not supposed to.

Now, return to your lunch.