the armond white reader; or, example #467 of a professional writer with nothing to say

If you've never read an Armond White movie review, consider yourself extremely lucky. Armond White is, more or less, the Bill O'Reilly of film criticism. He is an enraged bully, a bitter, bitter, bitter man who seethes with rage and disdain for basically anyone under the age of 35 (we're all smug, self-righteous hipsters, don't you know). He is one of the many cry babies who've sprouted up since the death of film criticism's most overrated film critic: Pauline Kael. Kael was a horrid writer with horrid opinions and knew basically nothing about art. (Read Easy Riders and Raging Bulls by Peter Biskind if you want example after example of this woman's staggering idiocy.) He rails against an evil cabal of nihilist atheist scum, who continually foist their Godless, baby-killing malevolence down his pious, humble, God-fearing throat. It's a good schtick, this tortured theistic martyr thing he's got going on. It appeals to people's disgust toward that whole Evil Liberal Thing that has permeated so much of our culture. You know, those smug intellectualz and the God-hating artistes they champion. White is basically a highbrow Michael Medved. White swears by the three Ss: smug, smirking, and self-righteous. White is literally incapable of writing a fucking movie review without these three words. He's a goddamned broken record. The man writes his own satire. I find it utterly faaaahbulous (darlink) that he seems entirely unable to see that it is he who comes off as the smug, self-righteous, moralizing asshole. But that's the thing with guys like Armond White and Bill O'Reilly: everybody else is always the problem.

But if you've never read a White review, allow me to type up the compendium. Herein is every White review rolled into one spicy pastiche.

Some Evil Movie
Directed by Some Sickening Nihilst Hipster

Some Evil Movie is pretentious, smug, and self-rghteous. Some Sickening Nihilst Hipster is a smirking, smug, smug, smug, smirking nihilist God-hater. Smug, smug, smug. Smirk! Pretentious, self-righteous, smug, smirking, self-pretentious, and smug. Smirk. Nihilist hipsters rejoice! God is dead! Evil nihilist! Nihilists and dingos ate your baby!

Pretension, smirks galore, and total smugness drips from
Some Evil Movie. Some Sickening Nihilist Hipster is smug, smirks, evil, evil, evil, FROTH, argh, self-righteous! Smirking, smugging, selfing, righteousing, eviling, and hating God. The nihilist hipsters, who hate God and country, are smirking, smirking SMIRKING their way to the bank. Some Sickening Nihilst Hipster is, surprisingly, self-righteous. Smirk. Smug. Mugs. Gums. Sum G. Ugs with an M. Self-righteous. Pretentious. Hip. Think you're hip? You hipster! Smug one at that.

Some Evil Movie is a bad, smug, self-righteous movie. It's pretentious, too. I'm not even going to explain why. What else do you need to know? It's pretentious! Snob. (Smirk).

That is all.
-Armond W.