j'accuse: snob

Who is this chic, beautiful fucking man you see before you? It is none other than Uwe Boll (no, bitch, you bowl). Who is Uwe "toilet" Boll? Only the greatest filmmaker in the history of the medium. What films, nay, meisterworks, has Uwe made? Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, House of the Dead, Heart of America, German Fried Movie, and the upcoming In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, to name but a few. Oh, I know what you're thinking, But Aaron, aren't these video game adaptations? To this I yelp, AND? While you're listening to NPR, waitin' for Garrison fucking Keillor and Meeeee-chele Norris to tell you what to like, me and the kids will be renting Alone in the Dark for the 67th time, marveling at its inner workings, trying to navigate its intertextual mechanics, and quietly soothing ourselves with the knowledge that Uwe will, in time, be recognized as the god that he is.

"But I'm too good to watch a video game adaptation," you puke. Oh yeah, you fucking snob scum? I suppose you hate comic books, too, am I right? Please. Ignore what the media has to say and watch Uwe's films and decide for yourself. You can think for yourself, right? Watch Alone in the Dark and tell me that Tara Reid phoned in her performance—you can't! Nothin' doin', baby. Nothin' doin'. Her performance is on a par with any Woody Allen slut you can shake a stick at. Uwe (no, after you) brings the fire out in his actors. Um, I'm sorry, but Sir Ben Kingsley stars in BloodRayne and Don fucking Logan doesn't just work with any director. You dig? Stephen Dorff, Christian Slater? Are you kidding me? Only two of the finest actors of the past 57 years.

The matrix of emotion on Tara Reid's face in this scene parallels anything Laurence Olivier or Kate Hepburn ever pulled outta their tookuses in their paltry, limelit careers. Her glasses, clipboard, and pen all signify her status as a powerful, successful woman who pulled herself up by the boot straps and put herself through MIT. It would behoove the editors over at Salon to embrace Ms Reid's portrayal of Aline Cedrac as a role model for the up-and-coming, power-hungry liberals that serve as its readership.

Here we have a still from Boll's upcoming Cassavetean effort, Postal, based on the game of the same name. Postal stars Gary Coleman and Osama bin Laden. You only wish I was making this up, you sniveling artsy-fartsy bitchface, but Boll is here, Boll is real—fucking deal with it.

I really just don't want to hear your smug, self-righteous, pretentious reasons for why a film like In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale would be beneath you. It hasn't even come out yet! Just see the film before you judge it, okay? But if its Herzogian scope is too much for you, then get your irons out of the fire and go munch on cupcakes and drink cristal with the rest of the arthouse horde. Just because the critics pan Uwe doesn't uwe have to as well. I mean, if you don't stand for something, you're bound to believe anything!

That is all.

(This post goes out to my friend Lisa who needs some humor that's not at her expense.)