the fetal position

Grandmother died today. Around 4:00 this morning. Just saw her last night. Her skin was really cold. She was asleep and could hardly breathe. She hadn't eaten anything for about two weeks and stopped eliminating on Friday. She would've been 94 on the 12th. I guess I was close with her. Or as close as anyone can be in this family. No one's really close in this family. I'm glad my cousin and aunt still totally hate each other and found the joy in telling each other to fuck off last night while grandmother lay in her deathbed. That was just amazing.

She was the last of my grandparents. My gradfather died about ten years ago. I don't know who my father's parents were. I know my father's mother was named Helen and I have no idea who my paternal grandfather was (my father was raised by his grandparents, both of whom died when he was a teenager).

All kinds of things died with my grandmother. There are so many secrets in this family and no one is interested in telling them. For example, my grandfather probably had another family before he met my grandmother. Or while he was with her. Oh, and my grandparents didn't even marry till 1983—two years after I was born. I just found that one out the other day. The aforementioned aunt is a huge lez and her marriage to her husband was a joint sham (he was queer, too; he's dead now) to placate both of their families. Which explains why my cousins are so fucked up. Which also explains why I have vague memories of him in drag. And on and on.

I feel numb about it, thank god. Grandmother was crisp till a few weeks ago, when she suddenly stopped eating, seemed to lose recognition, and just slept every day, all day. I visited at least three times a week and she was either sleeping or awake, but not really there. She was always fierce, even now. She was mad up until the very end. But this time she didn't recognize anyone. Before, she'd have these spells where she'd call out for papi or something, but then she'd snap right back to reality and grill me about work. "Are you working? You had better find another job or Lucy's going to leave you!" One time when she was in the hospital, this nurse came in to give her her meds and he was this Asian dude who had broken English and he looked at grandmother's chin hairs and said, "Ooooh, you got goatee! Like troll!" And me and grandmother started laughing so hard, I thought that son of a bitch was gonna kill her.

But even last night when my aunt tried to give her some morphine, grandmother fought her. Tensed up and yelled. Just wanted to be left alone. She was mad. She knew she was dying and she was mad. Mad and alone.

Grandmother always tried to keep the peace between everyone in the family. And now that she's gone it's probably going to get worse. And everyone's just going to die angry.